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Releaseapolooza Ninefinity
by Nathan Grayson (October 21st, 2010 at 7:37 am)
You’re in a store. It’s a great store – an amazing store, even. You rub your eyes to make sure they’re not lying to you. You pinch yourself to make sure this isn’t just another dream where everything you touch turns into the laughing face of your father with a praying mantis’ body. But nope: it’s all real. This store has every gadget, doohickey, gizmo, and Japanese Kit-Kat flavor you’ve ever desired. Something catches your eye, so you reach for it. But wait. Now it’s gone. In it’s place? A sea of dodgy Chinese rip-offs, 3256839 variations on Solitaire, and also zombies for some reason. Welcome to hell.
No, wait. It’s just the App Store. Fortunately, we’re here to tell you what’s new without all the associated hassle. So, what’s on the menu today?
Well, if you’re into seasonal paganism and goat murder and whatnot, you’ll probably want to check out Angry Birds Halloween. It’s 45 brand new levels of extremely inefficient avian demolition, and it has pumpkins, which – as we all know – are the evilest fruit for some ill-defined reason.
If that’s not quite up your alley, maybe you’ll dig the far more kid-friendly Samurai II: Vengeance. It deals with such universal themes as decapitation, gore, decapitation, and gore. Pretty standard Dora The Explorer stuff, in other words.
Reckless Racing also drops today, and ostensibly involves cars. It’s also got sort of a three-fourths perspective thing going on, which might explain the recklessness. Just between you and me, I’d probably steer a little funny too if HOLY CRAP THE EDGE OF EARTH IS TWO INCHES IN FRONT OF ME.
Meanwhile, over in angry-men-punching-each-other land, EA’s released an iPhone version of its new mixed martial arts franchise, fittingly titled MMA By EA Sports. Come for the brutal knockouts and stay for the disgusting cauliflower ears; no matter who you are, there’s something to be excited about here. Clearly.
So then, in the words of one of the most profoundly wise speakers of our generation: “What’re ya buyin’?”
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