Review
Grind designs
by J Nash (October 29th, 2010 at 9:09 am)
Compilation: All 80 Games. Publisher: DS Effects. Author: D Sciacca. Free. Play the compilation.
So, preposterously unwieldy number of games, we meet again. But this time I am prepared with SCIENCE. Let us examine the questions we shall pose and then answer with the FACTS OF TICKS.
Purposeless manga tangents
Does the game contain blurrily enlarged drawings all over the title screen (and beyond) in the manga style for no reason?
Unsustainable mini-game
Everyone's fine with simple iThing games, but is this the Tapper drink-shaking bonus round except without Tapper?
"Chinese whispers" clone
Is the game faintly reminiscent of a coin-op, as if someone described it to the programmer down a wonky phone line after seeing the original in the background of a crowd scene on a television in a shop?
Mechanical calamity
Are the controls inhibitingly terrible? Or pehaps a slapdash design means you can get killed when it's not your fault? Maybe the rules are utterly bewildering?
Just awful
Is the game in fact just awful?
Contains idea
During the slog of turning out 80 games, did the author accidentally include an appreciable twist or novelty?
Actually playable
Is the game in fact actually playable?
Already here, different graphics
You'd expect many duplicates of other games, but has the author bumped the numbers by copying something that's already in the compilation then changing the sprites or background?
Furious Stalin voyeurism
** INSUFFICIENT DATA **
Go Go!! punitively large table accurately simulating the effect of playing through the compilation, with the games in the order they appear on the menu screen.
| Purp-oseless manga tangents | Unsust-ainable mini-game | "Chinese whispers" clone | Mech-anical calamity | Just awful | Contains idea | Actually playable | Already here, different graphics | Furious Stalin voyeurism | |
| Monkey Jump | |||||||||
| Babel | |||||||||
| Dino Eggs | |||||||||
| Arcade Basketball | |||||||||
| Alien Switch | |||||||||
| Dangerous Bananas | |||||||||
| Jewels Mania | |||||||||
| Hurricane | |||||||||
| Kitchen Panic | |||||||||
| Arcade Bowling | |||||||||
| Purp-oseless manga tangents | Unsust-ainable mini-game | "Chinese whispers" clone | Mech-anical calamity | Just awful | Contains idea | Actually playable | Already here, different graphics | Furious Stalin voyeurism | |
| Blocked Car | |||||||||
| Brick Blaster | |||||||||
| Golden Sword | |||||||||
| Amazing Sports | |||||||||
| Sky Warriors | |||||||||
| Infiltrator | |||||||||
| Street Combat | |||||||||
| Monster Land 2 | |||||||||
| Dragon Fury | |||||||||
| Star Blast | |||||||||
| Purp-oseless manga tangents | Unsust-ainable mini-game | "Chinese whispers" clone | Mech-anical calamity | Just awful | Contains idea | Actually playable | Already here, different graphics | Furious Stalin voyeurism | |
| Bee Invaders | |||||||||
| Kick Ups | |||||||||
| Mad Fighters | |||||||||
| Monster Land | |||||||||
| Cupid 2 | |||||||||
| Blackjack Mania | |||||||||
| Pop Pop Pop | |||||||||
| Super Dog | |||||||||
| Snake Mania | |||||||||
| Hangman Mania | |||||||||
| Purp-oseless manga tangents | Unsust-ainable mini-game | "Chinese whispers" clone | Mech-anical calamity | Just awful | Contains idea | Actually playable | Already here, different graphics | Furious Stalin voyeurism | |
| Cupid | |||||||||
| Poker Mania | |||||||||
| Match Pets | |||||||||
| Blackjack Solitaire | |||||||||
| Dragon Jewels | |||||||||
| Same Pets | |||||||||
| Fantasy Puzzle | |||||||||
| Anagrams | |||||||||
| Poker Solitaire | |||||||||
| Add Bubbles | |||||||||
| Purp-oseless manga tangents | Unsust-ainable mini-game | "Chinese whispers" clone | Mech-anical calamity | Just awful | Contains idea | Actually playable | Already here, different graphics | Furious Stalin voyeurism | |
| Pumpkin Land | |||||||||
| Monkey Jump 2 | |||||||||
| Falling Stars | |||||||||
| Sky Warriors 2 | |||||||||
| Crazy Tank | |||||||||
| Babel 2 | |||||||||
| Battle Pirates | |||||||||
| Monster Cups | |||||||||
| Balloon | |||||||||
| Clown Juggler | |||||||||
| Purp-oseless manga tangents | Unsust-ainable mini-game | "Chinese whispers" clone | Mech-anical calamity | Just awful | Contains idea | Actually playable | Already here, different graphics | Furious Stalin voyeurism | |
| Skate Duck | |||||||||
| Same Pets 2 | |||||||||
| Square Box | |||||||||
| Crazy Copter | |||||||||
| Angels and Devils | |||||||||
| Ice Cream Party | |||||||||
| Goal Keeper | |||||||||
| Maths Balance | |||||||||
| Eyes | |||||||||
| Word Search Mania | |||||||||
| Purp-oseless manga tangents | Unsust-ainable mini-game | "Chinese whispers" clone | Mech-anical calamity | Just awful | Contains idea | Actually playable | Already here, different graphics | Furious Stalin voyeurism | |
| High Or Low | |||||||||
| Bubble Swap | |||||||||
| Drop Flowers | |||||||||
| Maths Pop | |||||||||
| Sports Balls | |||||||||
| Bunny Jump | |||||||||
| Fly Killer | |||||||||
| High Or Low 2 | |||||||||
| Connect Roads | |||||||||
| Blozzle | |||||||||
| Purp-oseless manga tangents | Unsust-ainable mini-game | "Chinese whispers" clone | Mech-anical calamity | Just awful | Contains idea | Actually playable | Already here, different graphics | Furious Stalin voyeurism | |
| Dino Eggs 2 | |||||||||
| Bricks Touch | |||||||||
| Monster Heads | |||||||||
| Match Cards | |||||||||
| First Kisses | |||||||||
| Under-water | |||||||||
| Panda Jump | |||||||||
| Aqua Quest | |||||||||
| Clouds Tap | |||||||||
| Dice Swap | |||||||||
| Purp-oseless manga tangents | Unsust-ainable mini-game | "Chinese whispers" clone | Mech-anical calamity | Just awful | Contains idea | Actually playable | Already here, different graphics | Furious Stalin voyeurism | |
| 80/80 | 17/80 | 43/80 | 35/80 | 36/80 | 20/80 | 27/80 | 28/80 | ??? |
As you can see, I really could have done with a few more columns -- "Includes sums" for example (which games I hated, but ruled upon fairly FOR YOU), or "Stupid neutrally dull card thing." Still.
Let's award some SPECIAL CATEGORY PRIZES.
Purposeless manga tangent prize
An easy win for Hangman Mania, which relegates the actual hangbloke bit to a tiny corner in order to fill the screen with a relevance-free pointy-faced big-eyed girl.
"Chinese whispers" clone prize
Bunny Jump. A Froggy Jump rip-off where you can only leap, with Frogger-style logs shuttling you around instead. (I like this one, but the version here is laughably tiny. Someone rip it off properly.) Runner-up: a 12-way tie between Hurricane, Golden Sword, Sky Warriors, Infiltrator, Street Combat, Monster Land 2, Dragon Fury, Star Blast, Mad Fighters, Monster Land, Sky Warriors 2 and Dino Eggs 2. (I may have missed some.) THIS IS NOT HOW COIN-OP RIP-OFFS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK.
Mechanical calamity prize
Cupid, representing all the other platformers: not only are the control buttons in a square with Up to jump, but the game doesn't recognise diagonals: you have to jump, then press Right in mid-air. Runners-up: Bubble Swap and Dice Swap which wreck their action puzzles with almost preeningly fiddly rules; Clown Juggler's likeable multi-ball keepy-uppy ruined by single-miss insta-death.
Contains idea prize
Brick Blaster and Bee Invader. Respectively a Breakout and Space Invaders clone, they add the simple but ingenious twist of everything you hit plunging down the screen at you peril-doublingly.
Actually playable prize
Crazy Copter (a solid Fly the Copter rip-off) and Dragon Jewels (utterly simple blob-connecting which kept me at it for ages). Monster Cups is worth a look but ironically IS the drink-shaking bonus from Tapper without Tapper, which I didn't know before starting. GASP.
Furious Stalin voyeurism prize
** INSUFFICIENT DATA **
GRAND PRIZE EXEMPLIFYING THE DISTINCTIVE QUALITIES OF THE COMPILATION
Amazing Sports. It's Track & Field except instead of hammering the left and right (and jump) buttons, each lights up randomly and you gently prod it to advance your athlete a couple of inches along the track. He stops dead at the line and a wildly lurching arrow indicates your angle of leap and whatever you press it says, "GAME OVER."
All 80 Games is one of those compilations with zero quality control. It's less a set of games than the author's set programming homework. (For example, High Or Low 2 is a working version of High Or Low.) Impressive chunks of the pack are just the same two disastrously inept scrolling thing-fighters with altered graphics; Aqua Quest is a waste of space because the omnipresent ads cover the level goal; quit icons jump around the screen from game to game (and only appear when you start, not on the title page). The handful of playable games are lost in the churn and the occasional neat idea is thrown away in the rush to knock out another menu padder. You may start by impressedly considering one bloke did the lot, but you won't end that way. I've a newfound respect for Gamebox 35's deceptively simple ability to collate very nearly 35 real games.
Incidentally, all 80 games in All 80 Games are silent, so here is my impression of the soundtrack: GET OUT.
Amazing effort. Well done!
Ah, J Nash. Promise me you’ll never stop until you die of poverty.
“relevance-free pointy-faced big-eyed girl”
Are you sure that wasn’t just your reflection?
Grind?
Eurgh, that’s not grind.