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Survival Mode – Obligatory Halloween Edition

by Nathan Grayson (October 31st, 2010 at 12:59 pm)

Free candy. Free reign to dress up like a total jackass and act like even more of one. Enough free booze to ensure you’ll have forgotten it all by the next morning. And best of all: not a single awkward/annoying family get-together in sight.

Yep, Halloween’s pretty hard to screw up. It’s the island of carefree holiday fun in the center of an ocean of obligation, guilt, stress, and more obligation. So, what’s the catch? Surely there’s a catch.

These horrible, horrible, horrible (did I mention horrible?) games are the catch. See, here’s how it works: the iTunes App Store is allegedly a bountiful land of riches and opportunity, but that’s an outright lie. It’s really a bombed-out crater of chaos, desolation, and desperation.

It’s really Robert Pattinson’s face. So, scrambling to scrape together enough change to afford daily sustenance (generally a stick of gum from a vending machine), many iPhone game devs pounce on relevant current events in hope of hitting the jackpot. And what’s happening right now? Well, if you’re from Texas or New York, you’ll start babbling about some sport involving balls and tight pants. Also sticks. But everywhere else, it’s Halloween.

So, foolishly, I took it upon myself to randomly play a number of Halloween cash-grabs, because I don’t really remember why anymore. That number ended up being seven – mostly to ward off the evil.

To compound their crimes, several of these games also have moronic marketing-department screenshots like these.

Angry Zombie Launch

Number of… Pumpkins: Like, a billion. Ghosts: None to speak of. Zombies: One.

Clearly steals art/assets from another game: Yes.

Price: 59p/€0,79/99¢

If you couldn’t tell based on the title, this one’s an Angry Birds clone. And not just any Angry Birds clone. Bow, foolish peasants, for you are in the presence of The King of Angry Birds Clones. The only difference here is that you’re flinging cartoon zombies at cartoon pumpkins, and also – mystifyingly – you’re forced to zoom-in while aiming, which is basically like trying to win a sword fight with your tongue.

Other than that, structural objects – wooden beams, blocks, and things of the like – are lifted directly from Angry Birds. Shameless? Definitely. But isn’t Halloween all about casting aside your shame? Who does the government think it is anyway, trying to hold you back from that noble endeavor with its silly copyright laws and such?

Not the words we would've used, but alright.

Shoot To Kill: Addictive As Hell

Number of… Pumpkins: None. Ghosts: None. Zombies: Bunches.

Clearly steals art/assets from another game: No, shockingly.

Price: 59p/€0,79/99¢

When RevStu reviewed Shoot To Kill a few weeks ago, it actually turned out to be surprisingly decent, considering the company it keeps. Basically, you stand in one spot and tap the screen to shoot demons, zombies, and whatnot. As you progress, you come up against tougher enemies that require you to mix in blasts from different weapons, which, if you’re feeling charitable, could – in some primitive cultures that have never known the convenience of a television remote or the warm comfort of a Bagel Bite – be passed off as a “strategic element.” So basically, there’s not much to it, but it is by far the best of the games I selected. Congratulations, Shoot To Kill! Here’s a trophy of an incredibly average, middle-aged balding man. It doesn’t have your name on it, but go away now.

That's the entire game. Seriously.

Chainsaw Zombie Hunter

Number of… Pumpkins: None. Ghosts: None. Zombies: Take a wild guess.

Clearly steals art/assets from another game: No.

Price: 59p/€0,79/99¢

Wander around a forest so abandoned that even the trees are gone. Shoot a zombie that spawns inside your face over and over. Repeat until you’re feeling brave enough to kick the stool out from under your feet. (Fun fact: the lite version of Chainsaw Zombie Hunter has no chainsaws!)

Why yes, that is the moon from Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. Good eye!

Restless Zombies

Number of… Pumpkins: None. Ghosts: None. Zombies: Do blurry images clearly drawn in Microsoft Paint count?

Clearly steals art/assets from another game: Yep. Look closely at the moon.

Price: 59p/€0,79/99¢

I could have made this game. I don’t know how to program and I once failed an art class, but I could have made this game. Basically, it’s whack-a-mole, but with non-animated JPEG images of zombies flashing in front of a static graveyard background. Restless zombies is composed of two images total. Also, its soundtrack is five seconds long and loops over-and-over. Even then, though, you probably won’t notice, because the entire game is 30 seconds long. Literally. 30 seconds. Whoever made this game, know that I hate you, and you will someday die by my hand.

Those platforms? They're mostly there for show.

Lil’ Witch

Number of… Pumpkins: None. Ghosts: None. Zombies: None.

Clearly steals art/assets from another game: No, because “horrific ugliness” is too general of a concept to steal.

Price: 59p/€0,79/99¢

For some reason, a witch is leaping up platforms. She could, I suppose, be considered “Lil’”. You have no direct control over said witch, but you’ll quickly notice that even she knows how terrible this game is, because she’s completely suicidal. So you have to persuade her not to take a swift fall into an abyss of sweet, sweet relief by changing her direction and moving platforms around her. Also, for added fun, the controls have about a 50 percent chance of responding and there’s a 100 percent chance our high flying heroine will fall through the ground. So basically, it’s Lemmings, only the worst tragedy in human history. If you’re dressing as a witch this Halloween, avoid me. I can’t be held responsible for the size of the rocks I’ll inevitably throw at you.

Is it a snake? Or a zombie? Could it be... both?!

Zombie Snake

Number of… Pumpkins: Three. Ghosts: None. Zombies: One, I guess.

Clearly steals art/assets from another game: Nope. Just ideas.

Price: 59p/€0,79/99¢

You know that game Snake? The one where you eat stuff, grow longer, and try to avoid running into your own body because – probably as some sort of thinly veiled anti-masturbation propaganda – touching yourself is fatal? Well, Zombie Snake is that game, only the snake’s a zombie. Next.

Capcom's lawyers, Halloween Sniper. Halloween Sniper, Capcom's lawyers.

Halloween Sniper

Number of… Pumpkins: None. Ghosts: Infinity. Zombies: Infinity.

Clearly steals art/assets from another game: See that guy on the game icon? That’s Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil 4. Poor guy. You’d figure he’d be getting better work these days.

Price: 59p/€0,79/99¢

This is the worst game I’ve ever played. Here’s how it works: ghosts and zombies emerge from a static, 2D background. You shoot them with your sniper rifle that’s actually a shotgun that – based on the game’s one sound effect – is actually a dog. If you somehow manage to not obliterate every incredibly slow-moving foe that comes your way – let’s say you fall asleep for a couple hours or something – nothing really happens. They don’t attack you. Instead, they just stand there and kind of gyrate at you. It’s vaguely unnerving, and also makes the fatal flaw of giving you time to ask questions like “Why am I sniping ghosts?”, “Why are the ghosts emitting what appears to be blood upon death?,” and “Oh damn it all. I’m in hell, aren’t I?”

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