Podgamer » Nathan Grayson

No objections here

Nathan Grayson — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 09:29:58 +0000

Nathan: “Hey everyone, it’s nearly Thanksgiving!” Everyone [In unison]: “We’re in the UK. Well, mostly. We’re a fairly diverse group, but contrary to your ethnocentric view of the world, only a small minority of the Podgamer Legion hails from North America.” Nathan: “Wow, that was really impressive! Did you guys rehearse that?” Everyone [In unison again]: “Well, only that sentence and this handy follow-up phrase. Beyond that, however, asojfinwidmwoemckmsdf [unintelligible shouting].” Nathan: “Oh. Well, um… ok. Anyway, you may not take a day each year to stuff your faces and celebrate Greek Hedonism (or whatever it is that informs my strange customs), but this year, Thanksgiving is still worth giving a crap about. Why? iThing games! Capcom, specifically, is having quite the sale. See for yourself: Phoenix Wright for £1.19/€1,59/$1.99, Mega Man II for 59p/€0,79/99¢, Dark Void Zero for 59p/€0,79/99¢, and 1942: First Strike for 59p/€0,79/99¢. Also, if you are from the US, there’s Cash Cab, Cash Cab: Las Vegas, and, er, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire – all for 99c. Aren’t you envious, Everyone? U-S-A! U-S-A! No? Ok, screw it, I’m moving to Canada.”

Tales of interest

Nathan Grayson — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 06:24:18 +0000

Normally “free” and “not shit” are enough to warrant a bark and a point from us, your trusty App Store hounds at Podgamer, but today I’ve decided to mix things up. See, while Brutal Fantasy-Prologue is definitely free and also gleefully slashy (though generically so) enough to cross the rickety bridge out of Shitsville and into Mediocrity Zone, it’s also – dare I say it – profound. Actually, I don’t dare say it, because it’s really not. But it is profound’s plainer, lose-the-glasses-and-we-might-have-something sister, “interesting.” See, in a slight twist on the normal App Store release formula, the full version of Brutal Fantasy won’t be out for another month, and this free Prologue – as you might expect – sports the beginnings of its storyline. What is that storyline, you ask? Uh, I think there was an evil knight or something like that. I didn’t really pay attention, but seeing as there are about three fantasy plots in existence, I’ve got a decent shot at being on the money. Point is, even if Brutal Fantasy-Prologue’s story physically spurted chopped liver out of my iPhone speaker, I wouldn’t have minded. It’s not important. What is important is the delivery of that story. (Continued...)

Zombie Crisis 3D: House Of The (Wish It Was) Dead

Nathan Grayson — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 08:03:13 +0000

Remember those House Of The Dead arcade machines from back in the day? You know, the ones with the big plastic guns that indirectly ate your first car in change? Weren’t they great? Well, Zombie Crisis 3D‘s a lot like that – only replace “great” with the most negative adjective you can think of. Horrendabysmal. Terribawfulstrosity. Dane Cook. Something along those lines. How so? Oh, let me count the ways. First off, the basics: You’re a person. You have a gun. You shoot zombies. And that is – quite literally – all. Your movement is, of course, on-rails, so your eyes, legs, and head – everything aside from your itchy trigger finger – are the game’s to control. No big deal, though, right? Highly scripted, gore-spattered thrill rides are what this genre’s all about, after all. Problem is, Zombie Crisis doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo. (Continued...)

From consoles with love

Nathan Grayson — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 06:36:11 +0000

Just because you can download 30 million new games per second on your newfangled iPodpadpodiummajig doesn’t mean console games have lost their luster. But there’s a price to pay for all those fancy big-name bells and whistles, and it is – shockingly enough – money. Or, to quote one of this generation’s wisest cultural mantras: “Mo’ money.” However, more money spent on iPhone games directly correlates to less bitches, and that simply will not do. Fortunately, a quartet of console imports have seen fit to trim a little off the top of their price tags, handily solving that incredibly pressing dilemma for you. First up, there’s Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars, which is now a (TURN BACK NOW OR RISK DEATH BY HORRIBLE PUN) steal at £3.99/€5,49/$6.99. Yes, it’s still a wee bit pricey, but don’t let its “ants having a gangfight” facade fool you; it’s far-and-away one of the best GTA games out there. And this comes from someone who normally hates Grand Theft Auto. (Continued...)

Death Worm: Wormpocalypse, Pt. 2

Nathan Grayson — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 08:46:38 +0000

I’ve fallen in love with iThing “worm” games of late, and you all have to suffer for it. Yes, even you. Especially you. The latest one’s called Death Worm, but apparently it’s the original while the less intimidatingly named Super Mega Worm is the knock-off. Is PlayCreek LLC telling the truth? Or have giant world-ending worms figured out time travel, thus kicking off an eternal duel of Internet message board “first!” style one-upmanship? No idea. Both options seem equally likely. What I do know is that Death Worm’s better. Well, mostly. For one, it’s made the giant, helicopter-gulping leap from NES-era graphics to something more befitting of, say, the Super Nintendo. And this comes only a month after Super Mega Worm. Score one for the time travel theory. Also, you get to pick and choose your pink, wriggly powers and stats as you level up, which – while not enormously game-altering – adds a degree of customization to your apocalyptic exploits. Long and fast or hard and strong? The (incredibly phallic) choice is yours! (Continued...)

A prince’s ransom

Nathan Grayson — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 05:20:53 +0000

Now this is a story all about how a game’s price got flip-turned upside-down, and I’d like to take a moment just sit right there, I’m gonna tell you how I– okay, enough. I think they’re gone for now. Listen, this is former sitcom star and lyrical virtuoso Will Smith. I’ve been kidnapped by these “Podgamer” people – even after they chuckled nervously, awkwardly glanced at each other, and promised over and over that they wouldn’t kidnap me! I, frankly, was shocked. Apparently, they thought it’d somehow be humorous if I – Will Smith, once “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air” – wrote a post about The Prince Of Persia: Warrior Within‘s recent price drop to 59p/€0,79/99¢. Look, they’re nearly as idiotic as they are deranged, as these corpses dangling from meat hooks, partially dissected rodents, and – worst of all – dissenting opinions about Angry Birds clearly prove. Oh Lord. They’re coming back. And they’re brandishing copies of “Wild Wild West”! Look, if this ever gets back to my family, tell them that Warrior Within is an enjoyable platformer, even if the Prince’s so-abrupt-it’ll-give-you-whiplash emo makeover makes the story about as charming as a squeeze of lemon juice in an open wound. Also that I love them, I guess. Also, AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE.

Wormpocalypse

Nathan Grayson — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 06:14:45 +0000

The zombie apocalypse is played out. Old hat. And I’ve come to terms with the nuclear apocalypse, so long as it makes the world exactly like Fallout: New Vegas. Point is, the end of the world is looking mighty anticlimactic these days. I need something new. Something different. Something like… a giant spiky worm? Sure, why the hell not. Super Mega Worm‘s message is one I think we can all identify with: stop littering or a giant worm’s going to devour you. It’s a powerful and thought-provoking indictment of our current environmental policy – one that becomes all the more chilling when you consider that our wriggly pink Doombringer gains the power to blast lasers out of his mouth at level three. Which is all to say that it’s wicked fun. Launching yourself out of the ground and skewering the squishy, screaming blood balloons otherwise known as human beings on your 32 rows of teeth is nearly as gratifying as it is sociopathic, and any game that uses live cattle as its central source of health is all right in our book. And hey, the full version’s only 59p/€0,79/99¢ right now, so why not? Plus, how can you say “no” to that face? The answer is that you can’t, because by the time you can see that face, it’s already too late.

Voice Fantasy: Vocal opposition

Nathan Grayson — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 05:27:29 +0000

Don’t know about you, but when I play games, I occasionally get frustrated. And by frustrated, I mean “orders of magnitude more upset than any sane human being should over an elaborate series of 1s and 0s.” So I get loud. I curse, shout, and speak in tongues not of this world. Controllers break. Millions die. Square Enix’s latest iThing game, Voice Fantasy, operates on a similar principle. Thing is, Square wisely decided to put the incoherent babbling at the start of the game – probably so you wouldn’t end up with a cast of characters with names like “COCK HELL BALLS FUCK” and “GO GET SODOMIZED BY A BALROG.” (Continued...)

Survival Mode – Obligatory Halloween Edition

Nathan Grayson — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 12:59:58 +0000

Free candy. Free reign to dress up like a total jackass and act like even more of one. Enough free booze to ensure you’ll have forgotten it all by the next morning. And best of all: not a single awkward/annoying family get-together in sight. Yep, Halloween’s pretty hard to screw up. It’s the island of carefree holiday fun in the center of an ocean of obligation, guilt, stress, and more obligation. So, what’s the catch? Surely there’s a catch. These horrible, horrible, horrible (did I mention horrible?) games are the catch. See, here’s how it works: the iTunes App Store is allegedly a bountiful land of riches and opportunity, but that’s an outright lie. It’s really a bombed-out crater of chaos, desolation, and desperation. (Continued...)

The most wonderful time of the year

Nathan Grayson — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 03:29:41 +0000

It’s nearly Halloween, and you know what that means, right? Well, do you? We actually didn’t know it meant this: iThing game sales. Like, an almost comical number of them. But hey, back in my day, Halloween meant choking down candy dispensed by creepy neighbors and praying it wasn’t laced with poison or – worse – raisins, so I’m actually pretty all right with the holiday’s desperate ploy to appeal to a new generation. Anyway, onto the gruesome price tag dismemberment! First up, there’s Sonic The Hedgehog 4 Episode 1, which is only a few seconds old in App Store years, but has been chopped from £5.99/€7,99/$9.99 to £3.99/€5,49/$6.99. Our very own Pod Lord Stu – in between lashes of his cruel whip because we weren’t thanking him hard enough for whipping us – said it’s “pretty much what you’d expect.” Do you like predictability? Does it make you feel safe? Then you should probably buy this game. These games are cheap, but my undying respect is… entirely conditional. Hit the “continue” button or I’ll hate you. (Continued...)

War economy

Nathan Grayson — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 05:07:14 +0000

ABSURDLY GOOD DEAL ALERT. There are deals, and then there’s this deal, which strolls up to all the others, unhinges its horrific mutant snake jaw, and physically eats them for breakfast. It is *drumroll played by Friend Of Podgamer Animal of Muppets fame* Battle For Wesnoth. What’s a Wesnoth, you ask, and why should you be battling for it? Allow me to explain: Battle For Wesnoth is an open-source turn-based strategy game that’s been practicing its “Why yes, would you like to have your go at murdering me? Oh, don’t mind if I do” take on war since 2003. As a result, its iThing port comes pants-poppingly stuffed with nearly 200 scenarios, which – after we tried counting with real numbers, got mad, and gave up – totals out to about three jawzillion hours of content. The best part? The game’s Halloween sale brings it down to a mere 59p/€0,79/99¢. I don’t care whether you even like turn-based strategy games or not; you don’t pass up this kind of value. So go buy it! Then fire up the tutorial because, otherwise, you’ll lose so fast that your utter defeat will tear through the fabric of space and time, instantly obliterating us all.

Game Dev Story: Story time

Nathan Grayson — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 20:25:37 +0000

Game Dev Story wants to destroy your life. It’s an evil, evil little game, but only once it’s got you thoroughly seduced – its hooks driven in so deep that they’ve pierced clean through your very soul – does the game show its true colors. It certainly doesn’t start out that way, though. In fact, when I first opened up my tiny hole-in-the-wall game development studio, I didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. Yeah, I got to crack the whip on a workforce of bite-sized pixel people, but so what? Half the time, I felt like I was watching an extremely intelligent, perhaps militaristic ant farm. The frighteningly apocalyptic ramifications of that notwithstanding, it seemed like there wasn’t a whole lot going on. So I did some contract work. And I hired some new employees. And I pumped out an – in retrospect – ill-advised puzzle game about ninjas with a focus on hyper-realism, which critics described as “Hahahahahahahahahahaha *drops dead from lack of air*.” Then I glanced outside. “Hey,” I thought to myself, “wasn’t the sun supposed to come out today?” (Continued...)

Releaseapolooza Ninefinity

Nathan Grayson — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 06:37:23 +0000

You’re in a store. It’s a great store – an amazing store, even. You rub your eyes to make sure they’re not lying to you. You pinch yourself to make sure this isn’t just another dream where everything you touch turns into the laughing face of your father with a praying mantis’ body. But nope: it’s all real. This store has every gadget, doohickey, gizmo, and Japanese Kit-Kat flavor you’ve ever desired. Something catches your eye, so you reach for it. But wait. Now it’s gone. In it’s place? A sea of dodgy Chinese rip-offs, 3256839 variations on Solitaire, and also zombies for some reason. Welcome to hell. No, wait. It’s just the App Store. Fortunately, we’re here to tell you what’s new without all the associated hassle. So, what’s on the menu today? (Continued...)

Cut The Rope & The Magic-er Equation

Nathan Grayson — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 11:16:10 +0000

It’s occurred to me that we’ve written nothing about current App Store God-Emperor Cut The Rope on this adorable, cooing baby slice of the Internet we’ve carved a bloody hole in the center of and called home. (If any readers are affected by issues relating to Comrade Nathan’s quirky across-the-pond spelling conventions, contact Podgamer Trauma Support at the usual address – Ed) And that’s a damn shame, because it’s an absolutely fantastic game. Also, we’re missing out on so much Google search traffic. Like, you don’t even know. Make no mistake, however; that’s not the reason I’m writing this article. On a totally unrelated note: Cut The Rope, Cut The Rope tips, Cut The Rope Justin Bieber, Cut The Rope XXX underage porn sluts. So, what’s the deal with all this “magic” nonsense? Well, you might remember an incident starring our very own Comrade Fuhrer Stuart and some particularly peeved birds. See, Herr Stu saw a flock of people fawning over that flock of avian sensations, and he just didn’t get what all the fuss was about. So, of course, he went to developer Rovio for a precise, scientific answer. “Magic,” they replied. Er, right. However, after kneeling before the alter of the tiny god that is Cut The Rope and offering a rather generous sacrifice of my time and social life, I think I’ve found the answer. Cut The Rope, as it turns out, is Angry Birds’ formula perfected. It’s an Angry Birds clone not in form, but in philosophy. But what is that formula? Why can normal, semi-rational human beings derive all of their happiness from helping a tiny green monster gorge himself on candy? Well, in explaining why Cut The Rope is worlds better than Angry Birds’ cluttered, bird feces-ridden mess, I’m going to lay it all out for you. COMPARE-O-VISION, ENGAGE! (Continued...)

How very consoling of you

Nathan Grayson — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 09:02:06 +0000

Hey, you. Yeah, you. With the spring in your step and the clear lack of a care in the world. You’re suffering from the “October Blues,” aren’t you? Huh, you’re not? Well, what if I told you that contracting a case of said largely fictional malady would get you some discounted games? Yeah, that’s what I thought. And so, after witnessing your Academy Award-winning attempt at seasonal depression – I personally thought hiring the clown just so you could sigh at his antics and walk away was a nice touch – EA’s announced that it’ll be curing any and all cases of the “October Blues” with its “Console Classics” sale. Are they really classics, though? Well, that’s tough to say. What’s not tough to say, however, is “I would be willing to buy four very high quality games for only 59p a piece.” Go on, try it. Did you say it? Didn’t it feel good? So, what’s up for grabs? Well, there’s Mirror’s Edge, which is basically Canabalt if it took place in a different dystopian future where they had three colors instead of two. Originally, it’d have run you £2.99. You’ve also got Need for Speed: Shift, which I’ve never played, but am guessing involves fending off junkies or some such. It used to be £3.99. Now it’s not. Rock Band‘s also shed its old £3.99 tag, and is surprisingly decent despite the fact that there’s no plastic instrument virtuosity involved. (Update: It’s only down to £2.99 for some weird reason. But look! Dragon’s Lair!) Finally, there’s R-Type, which fulfills the basest of man’s desires: the need to shoot spaceships. It’s bidding a not-so-fond-farewell to a price of £1.19. “But Nathan!” you exclaim, while shooing off that pesky clown you still haven’t paid, “why is the US App Store hiding the sale from me? Did you lie? Do you hate me?” Well, sad to say, this “limited time” sale’s UK-only for now. Sorry, US folks. But if EA decides to stop burning flags and spitting in mom’s apple pie, we’ll let you know.